I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
LOL!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead