Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
(True)
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”