If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there