If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
real
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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Morningbreath
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome