@colonel_trilL

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

@Jacksawyerr

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

@Darlainky

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

@ohpeetie

[ new burger joint ]

Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town

Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup

Me: *leaves*

@shkeeber

I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.

@HatfieldAnne

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

@ObscureGent

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

@fkabudu

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes