If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
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when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR