If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
stand with me against insufficient seating
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no