If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that