If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
You Might Also Like
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Bill is short for Billiam
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.