If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I love you…
…r dog.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them