If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.


WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—


I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma.

They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life


Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.


I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.


I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.


The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.


Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.


I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.