@AimeeHelene1

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

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@vidalsg

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@KissabiX

I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma.

They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life

@Bandersnaaatch

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

@HotlinkStrahota

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

@Tuna_Lover

I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.

@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

@4SLars

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.