If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.