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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Match dot com, but for socks.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.