@jake_lach

If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?

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@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@Sanbel11

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

@ComedyAndTruth

Hello it’s 911, what’s your emergency?” “Two boys are fighting over me” What is the problem with it? “The ugly one is winning.”

@fabulouscop

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

@EllaZee5

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

@Nikky_Gin

Latino soap operas where no one seems to have locks on their doors and people burst in at odd hours demanding the truth

@AndyAsAdjective

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes