Why do pretty faces happen to bad people?
If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
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That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…
My first language is typo.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.
I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer