@jake_lach

If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?

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@Lexiedeadpool

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…

@iamspacegirl

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@AbbyHasIssues

Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.

I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

@murrman5

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@lisaxy424

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer