At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch