If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days