MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”
Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around