If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.


Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet


Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.


I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.


Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.


Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check


Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.


When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead