@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

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@mindflakes

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@johnbiehl

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

@Axenbane

I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.

@ZachXJ

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@El_nacho_Nigre

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.