If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

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The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job


Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.


A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?


Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.


Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.


I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.


I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO


Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.


If your problem can be solved by:

or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.


If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.