@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

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@amydillon

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

@causticbob

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

@DecantAndPour

I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@newLettuce

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

@AhmedAllabidy

Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@spekulation

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

@Home_Halfway

When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead