If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Just a phase…
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.