If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.