If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Just me and my debit card against the world
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle