Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’