If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot