If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today