Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
i think both sides are to blame here
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Ken is short for chicken
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.