Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
me: “so is this a date?”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you… Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans