If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
There are usually two types of merchants.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…