@DamienFahey: If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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@koalaslament: the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
@ShortSleeveSuit: Bank robber: I got the money! Let's get outta here! Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*
@Love_bug1016: [on a date] me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.