If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Children of the corn 🌽
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”