@DamienFahey

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

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@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@Sassafrantz

[crime scene]

photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.

detective: let’s do a jumping one!

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@BoomBoomBetty

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

@djdarrellripley

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@PinkCamoTO

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

@ladybroseph

Many said I couldn’t crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.