If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.