If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens