If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]