“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no