If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line