If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah


Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.


Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…


Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.


[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those


Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters


*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*




COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao


*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*