If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value