If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir