[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!