@NicoAspeling
@spinereader
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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@spinereader
@AimeeHelene1
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
@YouWillGo2Hell
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
@ashleyaustrew
“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes
@RefractReality
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
@3sunzzz
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
@Turbo_Jimmy
I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people
@Canadian_Cutie_
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos
Officer: Get in my car it’s faster
@faizziy
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*