@NicoAspeling

If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree

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@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@AimeeHelene1

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

@YouWillGo2Hell

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

@ashleyaustrew

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes

@3sunzzz

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

@Turbo_Jimmy

I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people

@Canadian_Cutie_

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster

@faizziy

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*