If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree

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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone


My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.


Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.


“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes


What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.


I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people


Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster


Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage


HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*