@NicoAspeling

If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree

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@Miniwheats2012

If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.

@TDeeRock

You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.

@gmossii

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@TonyWIVK

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

@Shen_the_Bird

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

@gogglepossum

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”