If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.
If you don’t like where you are in your life
~ Then move you are not a tree
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You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”