
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos
Officer: Get in my car it’s faster
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*