If you don’t like where you are in your life

~ Then move you are not a tree

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If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.


You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.


My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.


“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”


The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”


If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream


BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.


[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”


imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck


[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”