I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”