If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
🚲+physics = winner
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”