If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
checking out some reviews of my local library
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs