if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

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Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.


Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.


It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.


i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo


Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?


75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.


[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business


[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!


I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”