Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
The road to hell is paved.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”