if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
You Might Also Like
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?