If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!