wife: i think we should have children
me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza
If you don’t sit down to a nice big plate of breakfast for dinner once in a while, you’re missing out on one of the best things in life.
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Hot dogs: $20
Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit