@subtweetopath

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@SimplySnaccbar

Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen

Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-

Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself

Friend: okay sorry go ahead

Me: 69 orders of french fries please

@DaddyJew

At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now

Subway: so no extra cheese?

Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol