Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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Some women have mood swings… others have mood theme parks.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen
Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-
Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself
Friend: okay sorry go ahead
Me: 69 orders of french fries please
At this age in my life I thought I was going to much wealthier than I am now
Subway: so no extra cheese?
Me: *checks wallet* not today Carol