If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.