If you think you’re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say “There there” when consoling someone
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal