@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

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@serialmatrix

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

@TheAlexNevil

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@HelloJessicaFox

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

@MomOnFire

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

@Playing_Dad

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

@elunatyk

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?