@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

You Might Also Like

@LaziestCanine

“911 what’s your emergency”
IM DYING
“what happened”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”

@Nahdude83

Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.

@simonblackwell

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

@hot_coughy

When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.

@KKAlThani

Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.

@UnFitz

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god

@Mechaniz10

You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.