If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

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“911 what’s your emergency”
“what happened”
“lol pics or didn’t happen”


Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.


At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.


When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.


Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.


17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.


Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.


BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god


You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.


Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.