How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*limbos away from your hug*
*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed