If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
What even happened today?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
He took my last fry, your honor
☺️
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”