@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

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@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

@PaperWash

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@TitansHomer

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

@CheapPontoon

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

@smerobin

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.