If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Ah..makes sense now
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.