If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Truth
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.