If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*