N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity