About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat
The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.
Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.
Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*