If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

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About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.


A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat


The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.


Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.


Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.



“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”


*priest drops bible*


Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.


Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*


[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*