@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

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@Crunch11b

About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@VodkaThursday

In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat

@Blakegarav

The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.

@Moldy_Jellybean

Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.

@HavocMantis

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

@Freudianscript

Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.

@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

@trojansauce

[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*