60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]