The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”