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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?


Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.


Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.


“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”


[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal


[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please


wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”