@mrjohntofu

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

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@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

@mack44_d

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

@sixfootcandy

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

@underchilde

As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.

@just1fool

I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man

@awkwardphilippe

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

@Jordan_Morris

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

@Angibangie

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.