If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
$3 #books
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.