Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Wikigenius
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?